The older I get, the more my expectations plummet. I don’t know if this has much to do with the way I feel at the moment, but sometimes I look around and wonder where my ambitions went. Did they fly out the window while I wasn’t looking?
I studied journalism with the hope of breaking into the writing world and the excitement of current affairs. I knew I was heading toward a struggle, as, in many ways, journalism is a dying field. More and more people are being made redundant as technology takes over the world. People who were experts fifty years ago are, in some cases, now being fired and replaced by whizzes who can handle this fast and ever-changing pace of new technologies. It has become a competitive industry and sometimes it’s about who you know rather than what you can do. Just last month 1900 jobs were cut from Fairfax Media. That news is completely disheartening. And the cuts won’t stop there.
Maybe the above reasons contribute to my loss of motivation. It’s hard to keep applying for jobs when you know there are hundreds, or possibly thousands, of people who are more qualified than you or have connections in higher places. It’s hard when more people are losing their jobs than gaining them. The rejection becomes personal after a while. Despite trying to hold a positive attitude, it burns deep. Why don’t they want me? What am I doing wrong? It’s the rejection that is the hardest part of this process. At first it is motivating and encouraging, you take in the rejection and use it as energy to apply for more jobs. But after a while it just hurts. It becomes exhausting and you just want to give it a rest until you find the motivation that you initially had.
I’m walking around with my head in the clouds trying to accept my life for what it is at the moment. I have a decent casual job. I should be happy with that. As my Pa would say, it’s a fantastic experience. But even though I know this, it’s still hard to accept. I find myself day-dreaming more often, pondering different lifestyles and imagining myself into other situations. I can’t help but feel that at some point, something’s gotta give.
Today, was a particularly bad day at work too. I had people getting constantly annoyed at me for asking too many health questions, or people snapping because something was too expensive. Normally I would brush these comments off with a professional-ease but today I just stared at these people, unable to say anything at all. I had to fight with myself not to take it personally. After all they weren’t having a go at me – were they? Or am I just becoming completely delusional? I have no idea.
I am writing in complete frustration, divulging personal information to anyone who wants to know. But, I know I’m not alone in my feelings. In today’s climate there are thousands of people experiencing the same issue. I guess if I talked to them I would say hang in there. That’s just what I have to tell myself too. Hang in there.