Sometimes, I feel like I’m locked in an empty white room. I’m sitting cross-legged in the centre of this room and all around me are thousands of closed doors. I know some of these doors are locked and others will open with barely a touch. But, I’m too scared to try any of them. I’m stuck here hoping that by some miracle, the right door will present itself to me without even trying. I’m just sitting, stagnant, wondering about the other side.
I think I’ve been in this room for a while and it feels as though, finally, the walls are starting to close in. There is less room to breathe. Because, I really don’t know where I am going or which of these ‘doors’ I will choose. Everything I thought and worked towards has been rearranged and suddenly I’ve been given a chance to start over. I just don’t know how to take that chance.
If someone asked me what I want from life at the moment, I would have to get back to them. It’s not something that’s clear to me. I know what I feel I want but that doesn’t mean it can happen. Just because I want to be a writer doesn’t mean I will wake up a writer tomorrow. Or, just because I want to let go of all the bullshit that is weighing me down, doesn’t mean it will magically disappear. I have to put myself out there. And it terrifies me.
But, I’m starting to get tired of being locked in here. I just want to pick a door and close it behind me without looking back. I’m ready to do it too, I just need to choose one.
It’s just so hard not to look back.